July 26, 2019

This morning I woke up not feeling the best. My energy was off and my mind wasn’t in the right space. I went to go brush my teeth and turned on my music like I do every morning. I have a playlist that gets me going in the morning. I stared at myself in the mirror and as I was just about to think something negative about myself, Brown Skin Girl, came on. When she said “same skin that was broken, be the same skin takin’ over” I cried.

Why the hell am I so sensitive lately?

Anyways, I’m better now. Just needed a little reminding that what I see in the mirror isn’t always what’s being seen.

June 21, 2019

I’m glad that I am able to be sad at times. It’s weird but at one point, I felt nothing. So to be able to feel something is progress. Through my sadness, joy will prevail.

It’s crazy because yesterday one of my favorite artists, Lizzo, was also feeling disconnected and sad. Something must be in retrograde. But nonetheless she said something enlightening. She said “I’ve used sadness so constructively...ever since I’ve been working on being emotionally honest. I’ve used sadness as a tool for gratitude.”

Today was better.

June 20, 2019

Today I woke up feeling really sad. It felt like a dark cloud was literally hovering over my head. I went to bed that way. I tried on some clothes last night and couldn’t fit them. I felt fat. I felt disgusted with myself. I just felt defeated. Thank God my job is very casual because I felt like wearing sweatpants and a tee and that’s what I wore. As the day progressed, I did not. I just wanted to go home and sleep. I skipped lunch because who needs to eat when you’re fat right?

I decided to go outside and walk around the pond. While I listened to my music and basked in the sun rays, I got lost in my thoughts. I made it around the pond 5 minutes quicker than I normally do and I wasn’t short of breath. This made me smile.

Although I’m not better, I’m better than I was. I’m not at my lowest but I’m not at my highest.

I’m not sharing this for your compliments. I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone and at one point I thought I was. I’m sharing because I want you to know it’s okay to have a day where you aren’t okay. I’m sharing because I want you to know you’re not alone in your struggle.

Today wasn’t a good day...and that’s okay. Tomorrow may be better.